Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Struggling

I want to record our struggles because I'm hoping once some time passes I can look back and see them all in a better light.  In other words, I'm going to complain.  Fair warning.

Moving to Utah 1 1/2 yrs ago was a very inspired move for us.  Even after all this time, we have not made any friendships here but I still feel like this is where we need to be.  When we decided to move to Utah the first thought Kirk had was, I feel like I need to work for the church.  Being from California we did not know at the time that the church does hire people.  He applied, got offered a job and off we moved.  Well 3 1/2 months ago, the church did a workforce reduction and they laid off a lot of people including Kirk.  What a shock!  To say Kirk loved his job and what he did would be an understatement.  Kirk was devastated.  But I had this peace that everything would work out.  Well its been 3 1/2 months and still no job.  The crazy thing is he has a great resume, Masters, certs and lots of experience.   So what is the deal????  We don't know.  This is the first time we have faced unemployment since we have been married.  One word comes to mind.... STRESSFUL.

Myla, Myla, Myla.  That is a whole book within its self.  As you have seen in my past blog updates she is sick.  I don't really include the gut wrenching feelings that go with that.  All the tears and heartache.  About a month ago she had symptoms of kidney failure.  I have never cried so hard in my whole life.  I can't even express the feelings that go with having a sick child.  A child that can one day lose her fight with kidney disease and die.  The hopeless feeling of having her not feel good day after day and there is nothing you can do to help.  Or the stupid drugs that are making her so sick yet saving her life yet causing damage that we will not know about until she is older.  Or that she has brittle bones and borderline osteoporosis at age 7.  Oh the list goes on......

Me.  How we take our bodies for granted.  My legs hurt everyday.  I struggle walking and doing normal daily tasks which ended being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia  The stress of life has added Psoriasis that I can only treat with essential oils since I am pregnant but the stress is winning.  I'm really frustrated because I want to be able to take care of my family.  I want to be able to clean my house!  Errr

This pregnancy has been really hard on me since my body does not work well right now.  We are getting so close with only 11 1/2 weeks left.  I knew there was a little boy waiting to come to our family long before I got pregnant.  The crazy thing was I was so sure it was a boy, I got rid of my baby girl clothes long before we knew his gender.  I am excited to see him but scared at the same time.  Scared of not being able to take care for him because of my silly body. 
I have a low lying placenta with this pregnancy so tomorrow I find out if it has move up any.  I think I would die having my last pregnancy be a cesarean.  Kirk will hopefully just be starting a new job so he won't be able to take any time off to help me.  

Without saying more than I should, we have a teenager that has hurt our family more than anyone kid should.  

Was that enough complaining?  I think if I was not pregnant I would be able to handle life stresses better but I'm a basket case right now.  

When they say trials come in 3's, they lied.  Just saying.












4 comments:

howellblog said...

Tiff...
I am so sorry. Read the article,Refiner's Fire by James E. Faust. I have been learning a lot from it. You are going through it for sure and like you say will learn and grow and look back later and may realize the Why's. But it doesn't always make it easier while you are going thru the "crud". So sorry! Know I am thinking of you and you will be in our prayers.
Suzy

cambridgeclan said...

Call me when you have the chance. I would love to talk to you.

Amy Saville said...

Tiffany,
I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did. I'm so sorry for all your many trials right now. Our prayers are with your family for sure and please please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. My heart breaks to,hear of your struggles with sweet Myla so difficult I'm sure to watch your child be in pain. David and I have said several times how we'd like to get to know you all better. David misses home teaching your family we just need to make a better effort and not let life get in the way. Although I know comments don't ever fix anything I do know that sometimes they can cheer you up just knowing that there are those friends out there that remember you in their prayers and want offer support. So I leave this comment hoping to give you just a tiny uplifting moment knowing we are thinking of you in your time of struggle. Call anytime even just to chat I love to chat and am very good at it.
Love Amy

Lisa said...

Tiffany, it makes me sad to know that you are going through all of this. Thinking about Myla just breaks my heart. We haven't made many friends up here either, and after 9 months in this ward I still feel like a visitor. I've always heard that BLW was the best and I guess it's true. I am sorry to hear of your financial struggles... we've been dealing with them for 5 years. All that being said, behind all our struggles I know the Lord is leading and guiding us. I really *try* to focus on the blessings, because I know they are there, and sometimes they are really small. Please call me or I will call you. Hang in there.

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